Drama, Drama, Dramallama

You know life is hard enough, on its own, to have to deal with drama on top of it.  Oh man, I hate drama. Don't you?? It causes stress. I personally get stomach aches for days because of it, and I starve myself because I get so upset. Then I get migraines from lack of eating and the only cure for them for me is excessive coffee consumption. (Any reason to drink another cup is great, but in this case... always overkill.) I would hate to see what my insides look like! Oy!

I sincerely think stress is the worst feeling in the world.  
Naturally I am a worry-wart. I worry about everything.  My husband, he is so laid back, and his attitude about things sometimes make him appear to not care about things, so I worry for the both of us.  But in reality, my husband just chooses not to dwell on things he cannot change.  I have decided to give his ideas a go.

This year, 2013 has been ridiculous for me. Drama has found me this year. And I am so over it. From dealing with my daughter's health and medical stuff and spending an obscene amount of time at the hospital to financial frustrations = Stressful. Our only vehicle's engine blew and cost us $5,000 to repair! I ended a close friendship with a neighbor for wrongful accusations. I just got accepted into college but have no clue how I am going to pay for it, or even get through it while homeschooling 2 children, and taking care of my special baby.  Loads of stress, loads of drama. My own personal issues don't cause drama. Those things are out of my control.  What I can control is my extended family's drama, and how I react to it.  I lost a brother this year, to which I am now dealing with unnecessary family drama about.  I have had a falling out with most of my family members, simply because I choose not to put up with them. I set boundaries and ignore people to avoid conflict. When I do, I tell them how I feel and I am a bad person all of a sudden.  

Typically, I am the type of person who lets everybody use me. I am what others consider a doormat. I am the go-to person for everybody when they need money, food, a place to stay, things for their children.. etc. I always share and take from my own family to provide to others. I am over nice. I am very giving. It makes me feel wonderful to help others, however, I have been used and my generosity has been abused. This year, the moment I put my foot down, I was told that I was being a b**ch. I am being rude and I have a "better than you attitude."  

After doing some "soul-searching" the last couple of days, as my step-mother suggested I should do, I have concluded that this year, I have changed. I know I am changing. I can feel my thought process changing. My attitude has changed. My personality and interests have changed. I got tired of being who I was. I am somebody. I am important because I choose to be. I have a voice. I am not afraid to use it. I have opinions, that I will finally share. I have thoughts, and most importantly I have heart. 

I asked my husband recently if the problems I have been dealing with lately were brought on by myself and if I was the root of all my problems/stress.. and he said he didn't see things that way.  He told me, "You are amazing. The world needs more people like you. You are perfect to me." What a loving husband to say that, but it got me to thinking, "am I just being harsh by setting boundaries? By cutting people out of my life?"

I know my husband cut his mother out of his life 5 years ago and tried to make up with her because I wanted him to, and that lasted 5 minutes. He has nothing to do with my mother-in-law. She does not know our children either. This used to sadden me greatly and I couldn't figure out why.  He has no regrets in his decision. For him, it was the best one.  I get it now. He set up a boundary for his own happiness. I support his decision whole-heartedly as well. 

I have decided  that, NO.. I am not wrong. I just don't want ugly in my life.
I didn't invite it into my life.

If you want to be in my life, I need you to be supportive of ME, of who I am, of my thoughts, opinions whether you agree with them or not, need you to understand that I am NOT perfect and I do make mistakes from time to time, and when I do, I will always be sorry. I love my family. But drama?? 
Good Lord, Ain't nobody got time for that. 

I have made my bed.
I will lay in it.
No regrets. 
Breaking up with my stress and my family is not easy. This is my life after all. 

Cheers (sippin a starbucks frappuccino right now) to a better 2014!